Praying for Tami

In April, when we were on our way to take Kade to Primary Childrens for his surgery, there was a red SUV driving behind us on the freeway. He was following too closely, our bumpers were dangerously close and I was nervous. As if my anxiety wasn't high enough from the anticipation of the day, he kept getting closer and closer. I was going 80 miles per hour. I tapped my brakes. Please, mister. Slow down. I've got precious cargo. He changed lanes and I thought it was over. Then, out of no where he cut in front of me. He slammed on his brakes and it was all I could do to keep my tiny little toyota from becoming a smashed pop can against his big red SUV. I was livid, to say the least. I wanted to pull him out of his car and shake him. Do you have any idea what my family is about to go through? I was so upset, thinking about the "Caution: Baby Inside!" sticker that hung from my rear window. I wanted to scream at him. My baby is about to have open-heart surgery. You could have killed him before we even made it. Kade screamed in the back seat; he was agitated because he couldn't have anything to eat or drink and he had been up since five in the morning. I couldn't help but think it was a sign of what was to come later that day.

God does not give us things that we cannot handle.

This thought first came to me when Kade was born, premature and with a birth defect; while he was in the NICU, struggling to eat. It came to me again when we were first told of his heart. And on the day of his surgery, it was an echo in the back of my mind; reassuring. God gives these children to people who he knows will take care of them.

Maybe, the man in the red SUV was a preparation. If I can't handle some road rage, what on earth will I do when they take my baby in that operating room?

My aunt is very sick. She had surgery today to remove a tumor. They couldn't get it all, and are throwing around the C word with confidence. My vibrant, loving, determined and energetic aunt. But, God does not give us things that we cannot handle.

If we never had challenges in life, we would never think of him. In times of trial, we look to him for faith. Think of Job: the adversary swore that Job was only pious because he was given great riches. When the riches were taken from him, Job remained steadfast. Nothing could break his faith. I believe my beautiful aunt, our loving family, her amazing girls.. they are Job in this story.

Tonight, I squeezed Kade a little harder. I took extra time to comb his hair and kiss his little cheeks after slathering them with lotion. I never want to take life for granted- too often, it is swept from under people.

Our Last Hoorah

Today was our last hoorah of celebration for Kade's first birthday. Yes folks, I threw a party. And I mean, I actually planned this one by myself. For the first time in my life I was in charge of every aspect of it: the decorations, the food, the people, the atmosphere. I chose a sock monkey theme in honor of me and Kade's shared love for the sweet vintage icon. I handmade invitations, I picked a color scheme, I made pom-poms and hung them from rick-rack. I made favor boxes, full of Now and Laters and Juicy Fruit. I chose crystal rock suckers and watermelon gum as the main attraction of the food display. And the drinks? Grape juice and Twist Up- sipped from jars with paper straws. Although he didn't understand the significance, my boy enjoyed himself.

Now that hectic July is almost over, I'm gcan focus my energy elsewhere. My goals for August include these refreshing, simple things: I want to take Kade to church on Sundays. I want to start another sewing project. I want to get adequate sleep. I want to take Kade in the stroller and go jogging every morning. I want to breathe in the lingering warm, earthy summer air.



Our Last Hoorah-

Happy Weekend.

The Present is a Gift

I spent the day sleeping, attempting to take Kade to his one year check-up and baking with my sister- who for just a moment we thought was in labor. It was another hectic day that left me low on sleep and energy. Right now my kitchen is strewn with egg shells, splattered confetti batter and dried up tortellini noodles (evidence of Kade tossing them carelessly out of his highchair and onto the floor, the table, his seat..) I've got a 1 Liter Diet Coke in one fist and a cup of coffee in the other. Yes, I've got another crazy day ahead of me. But that's just it, I have another day ahead of me. And I'm determined not to take it for granted. The past is over and the future hasn't happened yet; all we have is the present. And that is a gift. Presently, I am exhausted. Therefore, it's time to straighten up the kitchen and get into a steaming hot shower- the kind of shower you sit down and fall asleep in.

Before getting Kade into the bath, we sat on the couch and watched some home videos of the last few months. Kade's first time finger painting. His determination as he army crawled down the hallway. We watched him play on the floor at my aunt Linda's wedding. Memories in the past. I find myself thinking a lot about the future, too. Next Christmas, next summer, someday. It's time to think about this moment: to clutch it in my hands and hold it close to me until it passes. At this moment, Kade is in bed. He's sleeping soundly without his pacifier for the first time. And I am relishing in the moment.

525,600 Minutes Ago

Today marks one year since my entire world was spun in a new direction- the right direction. Today, I celebrate joy. Today I celebrate laughter, bed time baths, newspaper hats, block castles and blanket forts. I celebrate laughter, late night snuggles and the way that only your son can look at you: with a face full of utter admiration and unconditional love. One year ago today, I brought a beautiful and bright baby into the world. He surprised us all. When I walked into the hospital that day, I didn't think for a second that I could be in labor. And then- there he was.

We named him Kade.

As I went through the day I kept thinking: a year ago right now, I was on my way to the hospital. Right now, I was getting an epidural... and so on. It was strange, looking at where I was then in comparison to where I was today. Today, I was at the zoo- holding my baby (ahem, toddler) up to see the animals and gleaming as he squealed with joy at the cougars. I was so proud of him as he paid close attention to the animals; he was studying them. I looked at him with amazement. One year ago, he wasn't even born yet..

Happy Days

I go back to my graveyard schedule tonight- but the weekend was well celebrated. Kade and I spent the entire day rolling on the floor, knocking down block castles, reading books and building forts. Eventually, we wore out of being indoors so we dragged a blanket outside and sat in the grass; much to Kade's dismay they had just watered and the moment we sat down the blanket was soaked as were we. Kade let out a surprised howl and his arms thrust up immediately, mommy! pick me up! up! up! So, after going on a long walk and checking the mailbox we headed back inside to take a nap. When we awoke, we went to lunch with Grandma Danielle for my birthday. Kade is so good in restaurants. He minds his manners and even joins the conversation- nodding and giggling at the appropriate times. It amazes me how smart he is! We walked around Rainbow Gardens and Kade looked at the frogs. When we got home it was more fort building, dinner, bath, stories and bed. The rest of my weekend was just as fantastic. We spent time at the park with Kelli Ray and Boston, went to a few barbeques and relaxed at home together. On date night, Ian and I went to the Alkaline Trio concert in Salt Lake. We ate at a hole in the wall Italian restaurant that served the best tortellini I've ever tasted and drank soda from glass bottles.

Tomorrow is my 20th birthday. Next week, my baby will be a year old.

Kade and Boston! We're going to miss them so much.

Kade helping Mommy do the laundry on a lazy afternoon.

I loved having these boys crawling around my house together.

Kade has figured out how to make silly faces.

His new favorite food: Daddy's grilled cheese sandwiches

Yes, Daddy has Dr.Suess pajama pants.

Happy Day.

Being a "Grown-Up"

It's been a few days since I've supplied you all with a nice hearty chunk of my life. I've been busier than ever with work, a baby shower, my birthday dinner, cleaning my house and squeezing in time with friends so I don't go nuts. Kade's birthday invitations aren't yet finished and I should have sent them out today. There is a pile of receipts and notes sitting on the desk comparable to the Eiffel Tower and I haven't vacuumed in a week. I can't even begin to guess when I made my bed last and I threw away an appalling amount of food today that went bad in our refrigerator. Perhaps I'm slacking- I just don't have the energy to cook every night and by the time I have a moment to vacuum, Kade is in bed and I would be waking him. I'd rather be spending time with my son at the park than filing paperwork. Let's be realistic here: I'm only 20 years old. When you're younger and you imagine yourself at 20 you think of college, boyfriends, parties and maybe a super chic job in a coffee shop. I never thought I'd be spending my days toting around a one year old and humming sesame street to myself at the grocery store. While in Walmart the other night, the cashier asked if the gatorade I was buying was to keep the baby hydrated. I gave out a deep are-you-freaking-kidding-me? laugh and said, "No. He can't have gatorade and anyway, that would give him the WORST diarrhea." The cashier, a 20 something year old male, looked at me like I was absolutely nuts. This is what being a mother has done to me. It hasn't taken me out of my comfort zone- it's nested me right into the center of it.

Kade and Boston played at the park today! Boston pushed Kade around in his car. It was so sweet!

July 4th, 2011

Kade's first fourth of July was something you might see in a movie. It involved breakfast, a carnival, face painting, balloons and cotton candy. Throw in fireworks, family, friends and lots of barbequing and you have a Picture Perfect Fourth. The fourth of July is by far my favorite holiday. The energy of the day- the pure essence of summer- awakens all of my senses and jolts my nerves. I can't contain my excitement at seven o'clock in the morning when the pink clouds are on the horizon and the excitement of The Day is at my doorstep. I jumped out of bed and straight on to the computer, looking up parade times and carnival locations. Kade decided he wanted to sleep in. I was like a little kid on Christmas begging pllleeeaase wake up! But the boys slept. When they had finally stretched and yawned themselves out of bed we set off on our fourth of July adventure. And it was without a doubt, my most memorable yet.

Breakfast at Dennys- mommy and daddy got in on the face painting too!

Kade got his face painted at the carnival. He held so still.

The fourth of July just wouldn't be without cotton candy, and lots of it.

Kade is an animal lover. We really need to move in to a place where he can have a pet.

Driving the car to the carnival.

Our friends are visiting from California! Kade and Boston are only three days apart.

Kade makes this "scrunch face" now. It's adorable.

Apparently, grass is really funny.



Kade and Kelli Ray

Yes, it was fantastic.

4th of July Preview

It was great. Lots more to come.