Bravo, Summer

Just as I start thinking I'm ready for fall, summer shows its pearly whites. It replies, a whisper, oh yeah? and puts me under its hazy, humid spell again. Today was a lazy, yet productive day. The bed was made, it was chocolate-chip-pancake-day and Mommy hauled a sweaty baby from college to high school gathering transcripts for my Weber State financial aid application. Kade was very patient with me, milk dribbled from his mouth and he hummed and bounced while the counselor stamped the envelopes. He helped me dig out two dollars in change from my wallet and used his charm to convince my high school adviser to give him a sucker. I discovered the wonder that is the Public Library. Kade was overwhelmed with curiosity. I plopped him down and let him explore the childrens section, where he pulled himself up on the shelves and turned his head sideways as if he were actually reading the titles. I live for these quiet moments with my baby- just Kade and Mommy having a lazy summer adventure, spread out on the library floor as if we were at home. Grazing through titles like "The Sea of Bath" and "Olivia."

The evening summoned a quick trip to the grocery store, and a leisurely swim in the pool. The first time we took Kade swimming, he was very hesitant. The next time he was in water, he screamed with all his might and flailed away from every splash. This time, he laughed; he was in hysterics. All of a sudden my timid water baby was splashing, squealing and bouncing. He got his face wet, he kicked his feet. His hands were wrinkled- deep lines like canyons dancing across his little fingers. And I found myself thinking: Wait a little while fall, I'm enjoying this..

Bravo Summer. Bravo.

Taggart

Today, running on no sleep in over 24 hours and a chest cold, I endured the most frustrating car ride of my life. Morgan is further away than I had anticipated. much further. But I was desperate for some time with my family and a day out of my apartment and the absolutely appalling state in which it is in (more on that soon). I knew the drive would be long- Morgan is in the Uintah Mountains, about 30 miles south east of Ogden- but I wasn't expecting the construction, missing my exit (Next Exit: 11 Miles), or the semi-truck driver going 20 under the speed limit and braking unexpectedly every two minutes on a single lane road. I got lost. My car doesn't have air conditioning and Kade was screaming in the back seat- clearly miserable. The air blowing through the open windows agitated his ear infection and it was hotter than heck in the Tercel. After missing my exit, I was forced to continue through the canyon to the thriving metropolis of Taggart. Taggart consists of a restaurant. Seriously, that's it. I'm pretty sure their population is something like 14. When I was young, my dad took us camping. Every single year when we drove passed Taggart he would exclaim excitedly: The Thriving Metropolis Of Taggart!! And my sister and I would oohh and aahh out the window, unsure of what we were supposed to be looking at. Little did we know... This also reminded me of my Dad because several years ago, when my then step-mom was pregnant, she wanted to name the baby Taggart. My Dad protested, curtly giving his explanation while trying to hold back the laughter: If we name him Taggart, they will call him Tag for short. Can you imagine him playing at school? Tag! Your it! This is the part where my dad slaps his knee, hysteric at his own joke No, I'm not!!!!

When I finally pulled up to the house and got out of the car, I announced: I'm moving in! There is no way in hell I'm driving home. Lucky for me, I have an amazing family who doesn't have to say a thing to put me in a relaxed, easy going mood. A hugging, coffee drinking, lets-go-pet-the-horses and would-you-like-a-push-pop? kind of folk. Golly, I'm lucky to have them. A cold diet coke for me, and lots of smiles and loves for Kade and we had almost forgotten out misery in the car.

I should explain my lack of pictures: I forgot my camera.

During my long journey to my aunts beautiful house, where Kade got to pet horses, eat a push pop for the first time, cuddle with my grandpa on the swing.. I realized I had forgotten the camera. Go me. I swear, I will be visiting The Middle Of Freaking No Where again very soon- and there will be an abundance of pictures portraying a grinning baby with a green mustache petting a horse named Dewy.

***

Kade has to feed himself now. Mommy isn't allowed to help. It looks something like this:



But, Mommy doesn't mind. He's just too darn cute.

Time for a hot cup of chamomile tea and a long nights sleep before my 11 hour work shift tomorrow.


Happy Monday.

The last week has been an emotional roller coaster. I suddenly found myself diving into the deep, dark pool that is single motherhood. Things were said that cannot be taken back. Trust was broken and is yet to be restored. I caught myself thinking This is not fixable. Because the honest truth is this: I didn't want to fix it. I'd had enough. My life spun into a hurricane of hurt feelings and public humiliation- neither of which I was willing to forgive at any given time. We both needed to place the blame for our failed relationship. I was suffocating. I wanted a warm bed to myself, without expectation or the cold shoulder. I wanted to recuperate. I needed to buy myself flowers and sleep with a hot rice pack against my chest- like nursing a sports injury. Somewhere in the middle of this relationship, I had lost myself. I was digging frantically at what was left over; searching for some hint that I was still there somewhere. It's ugly. This is personal information, the type that many may not post on their blog for the world to see. But if I sat down tonight and wrote a blog cheerfully exclaiming Hey everyone! Everything is beautiful and we had ice cream for dinner! I would be lying to you all. And lying, I've come to learn through all of this, is never the solution. It is not a go-to method of coping. I'd like to say the issue is completely resolved but unfortunately that would be a lie itself. At the moment, we are communicating. We've said our apologies. We've each picked something we're going to work on within ourselves- because God knows we aren't nearly perfect.
Only Time Will Tell.

***

Everything is beautiful.
And we had ice cream for dinner.

I'm the type of mom who strips Kade down if we're eating something messy for dinner. I often cringe when he dribbles something gooey onto his fingers are proceeds to rub it in his hair. I'm the type of mom who carries Wet Ones everywhere we go because sticky fingers are a No-No on a silk tank top. This is ridiculous. Kids are supposed to get messy- its how they learn. Ice cream is cold. When it dries, its sticky. It turns your tongue colors. And when you put it in mommy's hair, its funny.

I have a niece now. Her name is Emberlynn Melodie; She was born on August 21st 2011 at 11:46 pm. She took 21 hours to get here, four days past her due date. But she is well worth the wait.

Everything else is as it should be.
School has started- another sign we can't ignore that summer is dwindling.

***

Happy Tuesday.

soap box

Some things don't last forever, but some things do. Like a good song, or a good book, or a good memory you can take out and unfold in your darkest times, pressing down the corners and peering in close, hoping you recognize the person you see there. Most things don't last forever, but the important things do.. like a real friendship or the success of someone who never quits. These things are timeless. I find myself coming to terms with the fact that Love requires a leap of faith and that a soft landing is never guaranteed. When it works, Love is amazing. There is a reason for all those sappy love songs. Holding people away from you doesn't make you strong; in fact, it makes you weak. Because you're doing it out of fear. I think some things are meant to be broken. Imperfect. Chaotic. It's God's way of providing contrast. There have to be a few holes in the road. Accepting life for what it is and taking it by the horns is the way to true happiness. Your life should be a prize, not a project. Life should be full of hot cups of coffee, lazy summer walks to the mailbox, winters spent bundled in quilts and lots of sticky kisses for Mommy. Life is taking a day off work, just because. Because you deserve it. We're all so caught up in how we wish things could be, how we wish we could change what was. But without studying the past, we won't understand the future. It's all connected.

The weekend Delivered: picnics in the shade, chocolate chip pancakes and finger paint play dates.

Anxiously awaiting the arrival of my baby niece and working on Kade's fall jacket.
Life is Good.

Gratitude.

I'm big on making lists: grocery lists, wish lists, to-do lists... the list goes on. Something about writing out my desires, needs and tasks brings me comfort. The thought process goes like this: now-I-have-a-plan-so-it-will-be-okay. But, I also find it necessary to write Gratitude Lists. I actually keep a Gratitude Journal; every night I write down the things that throughout the day I was entirely grateful for. Ten things that made a difference in my day. It's never very specific, often just one word will suffice but it's a good way of keeping myself humble and never taking things- or people- for granted. It's easy to completely engulf yourself in grief over the things you don't have or even the things you wish you could give others. When I was younger, I remember crying every single day. I recall very specifically the moment I thought, "I don't remember the last day that I didn't cry at least once." Granted I am a very emotional person by nature, this struck me as disturbing. Was I really so enthralled by self-pity? It was then that I started my Gratitude Lists.

Today's Gratitude List:

1. My Mother.
2. Quilting.
3. Feather Pillows.
4. Sweaters.
5. Ian, and the amazing father that he has always been.
6. Granola Bars.
7. Curious George.
8. Photography.
9. Fabric I fell in love with-on sale for $1.00 a yard.
10. My Son, and the lessons he teaches me every day.

What have you been grateful for today?

Sundays

Sundays are always crazy at my house. I try to stay awake after work on Sundays so that I can switch back into sleep-at-night mode (easier said than done, and it doesn't sound easy). Ian's family usually has a barbeque and my grandma always has dinner at five o'clock. Recently, Kade and I have thrown church into the mixture. The result is a thick cocktail of short nap times, too much snack food and an overwhelmed baby. We've tried doing things with Ian's family on Saturdays, but I work Saturday nights. So I wake up, spend a hectic few hours with family and go straight to work- exhausted. And it seems I'm always throwing in promises that I can't easily keep like play dates, lunch or shopping trips. On Sunday nights, my family goes to bed early; seven o'clock for Kade and around eight for Mommy and Daddy. The house sits in shambles from the chaotic work days and we're all left recuperating from social over-exposure. Luckily, Mommy doesn't work until Thursday night. Our weekend is starting again, and you know what that means.

Today at church, a women from my bible study class gave me glass french bread pans. She has been trying to find someone to give them to, but said she couldn't find the one who needed them. She offered them to me within the first 30 minutes she knew my name. She said, "Then, there was Jessica!" Her name is Becky. She sat next to me in my first bible study class and put her hand on my shoulder as we prayed. She gave me a box with the bread pans and some extras: a bible story CD for Kade, daily devotional books, and "a year in the light of God, for mothers." Thank you Becky.

Kade got some new clothes- including this FAO Schwartz onsie. I fell in love with it, and got it for a whopping $4.00. It's perfect paired with his sock monkey leggies.






Happy Monday.

Weekends

Too often, we as Americans get too wound up in our to-do lists to actually enjoy our time off work. Sometimes, the weekend becomes more work than your job is; and that list keeps growing, each time you check something off, you seem to be adding something on. I think it's important to use your weekend as a breath of fresh air. Take long baths, make muffins, stay in your pajamas until noon and sit outside just because. Weekends are good for camping, swimming, quilts, baking, and lazy afternoons stacking blocks and listening to sesame street on the cassette player. Weekends are good for bare feet on warm concrete. Weekends are for sleepovers at grandmas and impromptu barbeques with friends. Even your trips to the grocery store should be slow paced- take the time to choose your produce, buy a fresh loaf of white chocolate pecan bread from the baker and make french toast with it- at four thirty in the afternoon.

The To-Do List can wait.

Weekends are good for cuddling.


Weekends are good for messy hair and guitar lessons with Daddy.


Weekends are good for blueberry muffins and cheerios.


Weekends are good for messy dinners.


Weekends are good for snuggles with Grandma-Great.


Weekends are good for exploring- finding mushrooms growing in peculiar places.

When our weekend is ending, everyone else is just beginning theirs.

So, Happy Weekend.

Hello, August

The day was well spent. The rain came down all morning, prompting wool socks and striped knit jackets for our adventures out of the house. Cousin Braxton was sleeping on our couch at eight o'clock this morning when Kade started howling from his crib only a few yards away. It's fun to watch these boys play together. Braxton, in all his eight-year-old wisdom walked Kade around the house describing objects to him and exclaiming, "He almost said my name! He said BA!" I tried to make Braxton breakfast, but we have wheat bread and brown eggs. He made a face. Why are your eggs brown? I'll admit, if I were eight years old I wouldn't eat brown eggs. Yuck. We packed up the car and drove to grandmas, I turned down the radio and listened to the boys babble back and forth in the back seat. The symphony of the rain on the windshield and the coos and giggles from the backseat was insurmountable to any other sound.

This afternoon, after a well-needed nap on Kades part, we ventured out of the house again. This time, stripped of our wool and knits as the sky began to clear and the temperature rose quickly. We went to visit my aunt Tami in the hospital. Kade has a knack for putting a smile on peoples faces but it didn't take long for him to get squirmy and bored. He is a toddler now, after all. Back in the car we went, stripping yet another layer (Kades sweats) before buckling in.

One of my favorite places in the world is Barnes and Noble. If you buy a book at a store like WalMart or Target, you are going to be disappointed in comparison. If you were to sit on the floor of Walmart and leaf through a book- on the off-chance that you even find one you're interested in- all you're going to get is uncomfortable and stared at. But at Barnes and Noble, you can sit for hours; and there are plenty of others sitting with you. We started with the children's section. We looked at picture books, giggled at pop-up books and played with the Thomas the Train table. I bought Kade flash cards, Baby's First Words on sale for 7.99. Once we had our fill of colorful pictures and soft pages, we wandered over to the quilting books. I could sit here for hours, leafing through the pages and filling my head with ideas. Someday... After paying for our flash cards we went to the Starbucks, conveniently located in the store. Does Walmart have that? No. Kade was getting restless strapped into the stroller so I ordered a mocha frap and a giant chocolate chip cookie and plopped him right on top of the table. I do this all the time, he sits still and is very quiet in public. A woman from another table looked over and told me, "That table isn't clean, and plus he'll probably fall." Smile. Be a good example to Kade. I didn't say anything to her. As Kade shoved the first giant piece of chocolate chunk in his mouth, he gasped and started wiggling with excitement. The woman raised an eyebrow at me and left.

My baby is happy. He's in his crib, chocolate smudges dried to his face while he sleeps. It was a wonderful, rainy summers day and I refuse to let cranky women at Starbucks get me down.

Now, to start a new quilting project.

Oh yeah, and Kade pulls himself up now.

With weekends comes extra long bubble baths.

Hello, August.