Saturday, February 2, 2013

A Giant Piece of Humble Pie

I've said before that February is my transition month. And it's proven year after year- so much so that if you look in the proverbial dictionary of my life at the word February, it has a one word definition: change. This year, I'm expecting the same. I'm preparing myself for the worst and hoping (fingers, toes and arms crossed) for the best. Sometimes change is refreshing- its arranging the furniture, getting a new job, changing your hair color, moving into a new house, getting married. But, in my experience of many a February, the type of change that happens in this frigid month is not the refreshing type. The February Change that I've experienced is usually sad, sometimes frustrating, often leaving me feeling shaken up and lost. This year, I'm determined. This February will be different. There will be plenty of change; but it will be the good kind of change. It will be the kind of change that beckons slower days, being more appreciative of what I have, more time for myself, more time for Kade. Change that involves more church, less stress, eating better, taking care of myself.

I found myself getting the February jitters last week. I was becoming increasingly frustrated with how things are right now. I needed a change. I felt like I was ready for a change but God wasn't giving it to me. Let's stop right there for a minute and recognize how absolutely ridiculous that statement is. Like God is supposed to give us exactly what we want, exactly what we're ready for, when we think we're ready for it. Ladies and gentlemen of the blog world, that is not how it works. Let me rain on your parade for a moment with this reminder: IT'S NOT ABOUT US. I prayed, hard. Why aren't You giving me what I want? I'm ready to move on. Let me move on. OH boy was I humbled. God answered, wait. Be still and know that I am God. Ouch. I sat, completely and utterly shocked. I pulled myself up and began wiping the Humble Pie from my face.

There is nothing great and new and exciting on the horizon for me as per right now. My mission right now is this: stay still, stay focused, love your baby, be healthy, be whole, be well. And that is the grand, master plan. After all, it did come from The Master Himself.

 Kade is an artist. Paint, play dough, chalk.. it keeps him going for hours.


Lately, certain surroundings leave me raw around the edges. Bridal showers, baby showers, Mission farewells. They seem a giant reminder of where I am right now and the fact that I am staying here. I am so elated for my friends and family. My heart fills to the brim with joy and excitement for them and everything that is splaying out before them.  And at the same time, there is a dull ache. A little, uninvited pang of this could be you but it isn't. Yes, that hurts. But I'm shoving past it.

Kade is overwhelming me. I'm in disbelief at how quickly he's learning and growing. He's finally doing all the "catching up" the doctors promised he would. Like lightening speed he's picking up new words and behaviors. And last week I had to buy him new pants for the first time in six months. He actually outgrew them, an odd concept for me to grasp considering it's a rare occurrence in Kade's life. This makes me happy. This makes me squirm with pride. He is smart. He is wonderful. He is mine.

Little niece. 

I swear I'll get better at this.