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Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Climing the Ladder

When I was younger, I made lists even more so than I do now. I was fifteen, sitting at my desk and gripping a #2 so tightly my hands would be raw- my face just inches from the college ruled paper of a composition notebook. I imagined how my life would be when I was a "grown up." I played out each scenario with incredible attention to detail. Characters flew from the pages; a doctor, a writer, a fashion editor, a single mom working three jobs... The possibilities were overwhelming. But each time, reading back at the life I had invented, there was something missing. That something, I realize now, is me. You don't get to decide what happens to you in what order. I always wrote about the outcome- listing what my home would look like, the type of friends I would have, the places I would travel. Never did I think about the years of college I'd endure, the trials, perhaps the death of a friend or family member. I guess you could say I was naive. A friend once told me, "You never see the ladder. Only the roof." And although I thought I knew what she meant, I turned a blind eye from it. Perhaps because I didn't agree but perhaps because I didn't want to see the truth.

So, now I see the ladder.

Here I am, a mother. I always imagined myself as a mother, regardless of profession. But once again, I didn't think about how you get there. You have an idea that the doctor hands you a pink, wailing baby and instantly you are a mother. You have the instinct! You know just what to do and what to say and no, you don't need help! You're a mother! You can run on no sleep, cook dinner and breastfeed simutaneously, exercise at five am every morning while entertaining your infant with nursery rhymes. You so got this, dude. This is a fairy tale, as much as we wish it true.
Being a mother is something you work hard at; you feel emotions that don't compare to anything you've ever felt before. You can't believe how much love you can have for one single person. Let alone a person weighing only four pounds, in my case. Sometimes, as a mother, you feel inept. You wonder how on earth you can teach them all the important things in life. Like don't worry, spend time outside, be honest... You may question why God chose you. But I think that's a big and very important part of it all- to question. It shows integrity. Tonight, I rolled, quite literally, across my carpet with a freshly bathed toddler. He tangled his fingers up in my hair and made silly faces. He put his nose up to mine and stuck his tongue out when prompted Kaderbug, where's your tongue? We played with pots and pans, whipped up grand imaginary feasts and sipped on Air Soup. At the end of the night, as bed time loomed, there was an understanding between us. Time to settle down, pick out a book, cuddle with your Lovey.. And there was a moment of connection- of infinite love and comfort and nurturing. After a story, I cradled him in my arms and sang the familiar lullaby that has lulled him to sleep for these past eighteen months. Yes, tonight, I feel like a mother.

And, It is glorious.

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If I ask Kade to smile for the camera, this is what I get. Hammin' it up like only he can. 

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Can we just appreciate these eye lashes for a moment? Holy Cow. 

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One of Kade's favorite games right now is "Knock Knock." He shuts the door, Mama knocks. He opens it in a fit of laughter and hurries to shut it again before I can get in. 

I think the same idea applies to being yourself as well as it does to being a mother.. Who I am now is who I've always been, but it's taken time and experience to realize who I am and what I'm capable of. In your core, the very depths of your soul, you are you. But realizing how to grow from your base, that is what life is about. I only hope I can make it to that great moment of Self-Realization. To pull up the mental curtain and see myself raw. One step at a time, baby.

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I'd like to say something about the meaning of the word No. I've been so careful to only tell Kade No if he's in danger and it sure has paid off. If Mama tells this baby No, he stops what he's doing immediately, puts down anything he's holding and waits for further instruction. That is incredible to me- one of those "Hey, I did a good Mama thing.. huh." However, if you tell Kade NO when he's obviously not doing anything wrong, he responds with a face kinda like this one:

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This is also his "But mama I want licorice for breakfast" face. 

Oh be still my heart. 


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I'm in the middle of a lengthy process of reclaiming my belongings. My lease is up in a month and I find myself drowning in knick knacks and clothing I forgot I even owned (Some of it, wondering why I ever owned). This week is about getting rid of the old, starting with the new. I've got a Donate, Keep, Throw Away system that I'm sticking to and it feels pretty fantastic to purge away all the things that aren't important. With a recent injury to my back, I've got two weeks off work- a wonderful opportunity to take care of myself and get things squared away for an upcoming move.

Things are chug-a-lugging, as always.
I think I can, I think I can.



1 comment:

  1. I could read your blogs every day! SO proud of you girl!

    ReplyDelete

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