Monday, June 4, 2012


There are certain people in life who embed themselves in your memory.. they nestle into the crooks of your thoughts and make sound homes in the deep chambers of your heart. Maybe you haven't seen them in years, but there they are: quiet in the back of your mind. You wonder how they are, what they've had to go through without you, if they're happy, if you'll ever see them again. And you realize that they'll always be there, etched into your memory, your past. There are certain people who, it seems, are a part of your chemistry.. hidden there, in the curve of your fingerprints. They're a part of you; a part of who you are and the decisions you made and the feelings you once felt.

There are people in my life who I'm so overwhelmingly comfortable with. We pick up where we left off, have intense conversations about nothing at all, drink nauseating amounts of coffee, put together the pieces of each of our memories like a puzzle. I wear sweat pants and talk about food and admit that I'm lucky to have them, because there were times when I didn't deserve them. And all these words.. they melt from my mouth, sloppy and hot. They're not eloquent. It's incredible, after you've kept your thoughts inside for so long, harbored them in the furthest corner.. once they come out, they're not what you expected them to be. They're not at all soothing, reassuring or even intellectual. You come off as nonchalant, sometimes even bitter. They're so rusty, so meaningless and ugly.. You can only hope that they understand your sincerity. Hopefully they understand that you missed them, that they're an irreplaceable part of your personality, a memory that flutters softly against your skull on a cool summer morning.

Kade will have these people- people who make a huge impact on his life and then are gone in an instant. People who betray him, who break his heart, people who take him for granted and of course, people who cherish him and admire him. When this thought first struck me, that he would inevitably be hurt by others, it made my stomach flip flop. How could I prepare him for the heartache? I want him to have life long friends.. friends he grows up with, goes to summer camp with, graduates high school with, goes off to college with. I've always craved that connection with my peers- a tight string that thread us together as one unit, a reassurance that we had each others backs. Kade may not get this- like me he may move often, be quarky, go through many awkward phases. But one thing, I realized, will always be a constant in his life: Me. I will always be his mother, his confident, his best friend. The friend he grows up with, who see's him off to summer camp, who sits in the front row at graduation waving and blowing kisses, who squeezes tightly before seeing him off to college. I can't protect him from life- hardships are sure to come his way. But I can hold his hand through them, be the ever present rock that keeps him steady.  I can be that person, bending with the graceful curve of his fingertips, but he won't ever have to miss me.





1 comment:

  1. Where did you go, Jessica? I recently discovered your blog through a comment you left on Kelle Hampton's awesome blog and I also LOVE your writing and beautiful pictures. I don't know what is going on in your life right now, but if things are rough, especially keep writing. I think it helps you and it certainly helps me to read great blogs like yours. Hoping for a new post soon....

    a friend


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