The calm before the storm

The days have been rhythmic. We've swung into a slow and quiet routine of laundry and oatmeal breakfasts, quiet mornings at the coffee table with crayons splayed out in front of us. The weather is nicely accompanying the quiet- partly cloudy, chilly, a little bit of rain. I'm going to call this the quiet before the storm- the storm of change that is without a doubt hurling our way. Soon, things will be very different. The storm is big and black and hanging heavy over our heads, a constant reminder that things will never be the same again. But the thing about storms is they always pass.  Until then, we will continue to fill our days with snack times at the laundry mat and slow dancing in the living room to Ella Fitzgerald. We tap our toes, wrapped in wool socks and moose slippers, across the kitchen floor. We snap our fingers and throw our hands up in celebration that we are together- Kade and Mommy take on the world, one cup of chocolate milk at a time. The story goes like this: Things get hard, but I will forever have my little guy, my own little cheerleader. We will remind one another that there is much to be happy about, millions of things to be excited for, to look forward to. There are Lego castles to be built, sidewalk cracks to jump over, and many a peanut butter sandwiches to eat. We makes toasts at breakfast- to baths! to bananas! to raincoats! to Dotty! This leaves very little room for worry. The spaces are already filled. Our no-vacancy sign is up.

There is a balance. I've spent the last few weeks prioritizing, paying bills, buying a car seat, a new dress, going bowling. I've held fast to my opinions, worked diligently on my morals, stayed out past midnight, sticking up for myself where I used to shrivel down. And that is happiness, isn't it? To have balance between self and others, bills and bubble baths, dishes and coffee- it's important life stuff.

There is a lump in my throat- words trying to escape but being pushed back by reassurance. Reassurance that words not be said unless they are truly meant- as they can't be taken back and may be forgiven but not forgotten. A new life lesson- think before you speak- a reminder that there is a new, stronger self on the other side of this lump, waiting to be pushed forward.  You know, silver lining type of stuff.

I hope I can teach Kade the importance of balance, the importance of standing up for what you believe in, the courage to do what's right, even if it hurts. I hope I can teach him to laugh, to tell the truth, to be polite and kind. Through all of the hardships, I hope I can set a good example for him- to be strong and confident, to take care of business with grace. Life throws hard and fast balls, you have to catch them and toss them right back.

Of course, he teaches me these things too. How could I possibly be upset with this little "turkey" grinning at me from ear to ear? Thanks, little dude.

Things are changing, sure. But we're going to take this in stride, conquer our fears, show ourselves and each other that together, we're two peas in a pod. And together, we can take on the world.

Things are rhythmic but for now, they are perfect. Hanging in suspension between now and soon is right where we're supposed to be. Waiting patiently while the storm continues brewing- wearing our rain coats and dancing in the puddles.

Climing the Ladder

When I was younger, I made lists even more so than I do now. I was fifteen, sitting at my desk and gripping a #2 so tightly my hands would be raw- my face just inches from the college ruled paper of a composition notebook. I imagined how my life would be when I was a "grown up." I played out each scenario with incredible attention to detail. Characters flew from the pages; a doctor, a writer, a fashion editor, a single mom working three jobs... The possibilities were overwhelming. But each time, reading back at the life I had invented, there was something missing. That something, I realize now, is me. You don't get to decide what happens to you in what order. I always wrote about the outcome- listing what my home would look like, the type of friends I would have, the places I would travel. Never did I think about the years of college I'd endure, the trials, perhaps the death of a friend or family member. I guess you could say I was naive. A friend once told me, "You never see the ladder. Only the roof." And although I thought I knew what she meant, I turned a blind eye from it. Perhaps because I didn't agree but perhaps because I didn't want to see the truth.

So, now I see the ladder.

Here I am, a mother. I always imagined myself as a mother, regardless of profession. But once again, I didn't think about how you get there. You have an idea that the doctor hands you a pink, wailing baby and instantly you are a mother. You have the instinct! You know just what to do and what to say and no, you don't need help! You're a mother! You can run on no sleep, cook dinner and breastfeed simutaneously, exercise at five am every morning while entertaining your infant with nursery rhymes. You so got this, dude. This is a fairy tale, as much as we wish it true.
Being a mother is something you work hard at; you feel emotions that don't compare to anything you've ever felt before. You can't believe how much love you can have for one single person. Let alone a person weighing only four pounds, in my case. Sometimes, as a mother, you feel inept. You wonder how on earth you can teach them all the important things in life. Like don't worry, spend time outside, be honest... You may question why God chose you. But I think that's a big and very important part of it all- to question. It shows integrity. Tonight, I rolled, quite literally, across my carpet with a freshly bathed toddler. He tangled his fingers up in my hair and made silly faces. He put his nose up to mine and stuck his tongue out when prompted Kaderbug, where's your tongue? We played with pots and pans, whipped up grand imaginary feasts and sipped on Air Soup. At the end of the night, as bed time loomed, there was an understanding between us. Time to settle down, pick out a book, cuddle with your Lovey.. And there was a moment of connection- of infinite love and comfort and nurturing. After a story, I cradled him in my arms and sang the familiar lullaby that has lulled him to sleep for these past eighteen months. Yes, tonight, I feel like a mother.

And, It is glorious.

If I ask Kade to smile for the camera, this is what I get. Hammin' it up like only he can. 

Can we just appreciate these eye lashes for a moment? Holy Cow. 

One of Kade's favorite games right now is "Knock Knock." He shuts the door, Mama knocks. He opens it in a fit of laughter and hurries to shut it again before I can get in. 

I think the same idea applies to being yourself as well as it does to being a mother.. Who I am now is who I've always been, but it's taken time and experience to realize who I am and what I'm capable of. In your core, the very depths of your soul, you are you. But realizing how to grow from your base, that is what life is about. I only hope I can make it to that great moment of Self-Realization. To pull up the mental curtain and see myself raw. One step at a time, baby.

***


I'd like to say something about the meaning of the word No. I've been so careful to only tell Kade No if he's in danger and it sure has paid off. If Mama tells this baby No, he stops what he's doing immediately, puts down anything he's holding and waits for further instruction. That is incredible to me- one of those "Hey, I did a good Mama thing.. huh." However, if you tell Kade NO when he's obviously not doing anything wrong, he responds with a face kinda like this one:

 

This is also his "But mama I want licorice for breakfast" face. 

Oh be still my heart. 


 *** 




I'm in the middle of a lengthy process of reclaiming my belongings. My lease is up in a month and I find myself drowning in knick knacks and clothing I forgot I even owned (Some of it, wondering why I ever owned). This week is about getting rid of the old, starting with the new. I've got a Donate, Keep, Throw Away system that I'm sticking to and it feels pretty fantastic to purge away all the things that aren't important. With a recent injury to my back, I've got two weeks off work- a wonderful opportunity to take care of myself and get things squared away for an upcoming move.

Things are chug-a-lugging, as always.
I think I can, I think I can.

In Time, My Friend

Over and over I sit in front of this post and attempt an eloquent version of the last week of my life. It's not pretty but as with all things, there is a hidden beauty. There is a spark- a hint of relief and a weight off my shoulders. The pages are still blank but there is a miraculous feeling of the words still being there, written in invisible ink and clamoring to become visible.



There are times in life that you want to throw your hands up, a giant gesture of I-freaking-give-up. Sometimes, it's one thing after another; you're doing your best, trying hard, and then... You make a mistake and everything you've ever known is pulled from beneath you. You're suddenly falling, arms flailing, reaching for anything close to grasp on to for dear life. And then, after some time, you find solid ground. And your feet, not used to the soft plush of the grass, will walk timidly and you might be a little sad- missing that place in the clouds that you were so urgently yanked from- but with a little time, you begin to feel the dewy coolness of the grass on your feet, your toes feel the warm, damp soil, slowly your sesnses come back and  you start running. Of course, this is a metaphor.

For every ending, there is a new beginning. A chance to rebuild relationships where old ones have crumbled. A chance to take care of yourself: take more baths, read more books, go on walks, have coffee with a friend. There is something tremendous to be said about time. Time is our friend at night, when we awake and peek, nervously at the clock only two o'clock! I still have all night.. Time is our enemy when we wake up late and find ourselves rushing through the morning. But most importantly, time is the healer of all things. Time wraps around your heart and very slowly begins stitching it back together, careful not to leave one thread dangling, tying tiny little square knots, and snipping the ends. Isn't time the true ruler of life? Of all things?

You have to fill up that time, of course. With gardening, pancake mornings, pillow fights, an endless sea of books and bubble baths.. things that make you happy, things that bring you back to your center.
***

This little guy? He's quite the little character. Lawd Help Us.

A requirement of being "almost two:" A Very Messy Face, All Day Long.

While the rest of the state deals with flooding, we got this little skiff of snow, which has already melted. It's been warm enough not to wear a coat and my winter To-Do list sits untouched- How are we supposed to go sledding without powder?!

Making pizza at Grandma Danielles house. Yum!

In time, you could lose yourself. But in time, you will find yourself again. And you will be timid. You might be sad. But, you will heal and you will find solid ground again.



Resolutions For Your Soul

Two years ago, I sat in my old apartment, sipping blue Kool-Aid and deciding my New Years Resolutions. I jotted down big things, goals that would take time and money and upon reviewing them, I crumpled the ink stained paper in the palm of my sweaty hand and threw it in the trash can. Who was I kidding? I wanted to go to school, get my license, own a car, get a new job.. It seemed like far too much accomplishment for one year. I sloughed it off- forgot it for a few short months. That is, until, it started happening. I was made known of my pregnancy only a few short days after tossing that college ruled into the trash. And all at once, it seemed, I was going to college, getting my license, and Ian's dad bought us our first car. As far as my new job went, Kade was born that summer- motherhood, being the ultimate, life long occupation became a second nature to me. And at the close of the year, I thought back to that list. That list that I had deemed so impossible; how I had so little faith in myself. I learned something that I will never forget or let falter, Do Not Underestimate Yourself. I made a list of material things, and received them, sure. But what I really received was faith in myself, patience and effortless grace through trial and adversary. And that is what bettered me.

Now that I have a job, a vehicle, a safe and warm place to live- my resolutions have changed drastically. I've added Pray, read more books, spend time outside, have holiday parties and one, rather amusing, Do Not Diet. It's terribly bad for your soul.  And these are realistic goals that will strengthen me and enlighten me. Aren't new years resolutions about bettering yourself? If your list entails "Lose weight. Keep house spotless," you're going to have hunger pains and disappointment in yourself when your too tired to do the dishes tonight. Something that has taken me years to learn, that I am still earnestly learning: Food is good for your soul. It nourishes you, it keeps you alive. You want to be healthy? Eat Good Food. You want to keep your house clean? Straighten as you go along and reward yourself with a relaxing night, pulling a mental curtain over that heaping laundry basket. It can wait.

Praise yourself. Spend more time with your girlfriends. Write thank you notes. Have waffles with powdered sugar for dinner. If you find yourself in a place of security, with all the essentials of sustaining life at your fingertips, then you've struck gold. Now, you have the opportunity to resolve what's inside. Because you can't take stuff with you. God doesn't care if your skinny, if you scrub your floors every other day- but if you are enjoying the life that he has so graciously given to you, then you are truly living.

I urge you, apart from your list of "pay bills on time, etc." Make another list- Resolutions For Your Soul. Let it be overflowing with blissful opportunities. It's good stuff, Maynard.

White knuckle the railing of each wonderful experience that hurtles your way.
Spend hours on the floor, playing, getting grass stains, flying kites, building forts, making mud pies.

 

 

Be appreciative. Write thank you cards, call just because, shower loved ones with praise and affection.

 Celebrate. Light candles on the dinner table, go out for ice cream, have parties, play board games. Applaud life and all its simple pleasures. Each day is a blessing.

Work hard. Always put your best face forward, be honest, be trustworthy, be gracious. Be a teacher, but most importantly, be a student.

Happy, Happy New Year.

The third day of Christmas

Here we are. The wonderful, quiet days after Christmas, used for gathering thoughts and sitting cross legged with a cup of coffee balanced on your knee. I've spent much of my time since Christmas sitting on Kade's bedroom floor in my pajamas, watching him play with his gifts and relishing in the fact that I have nothing else to do. No gifts to purchase or wrap, no goodies to cook, no parties to be to. While I enjoy these things, nay, adore these things, it's an incredible feeling to just sit.

Christmas Eve: The Pre-Christmas Party Spectacular, full of excitement and little balls of energy racing around aunt Catherine's house, thrilled for Santa to arrive, bellies full of sugar cookies. We gathered snuggly in the living room and sung carols, exchanged gifts and were just plain merry.

As Christmas tends to be, this one was a great one. Kade learned that beneath that colored paper there are toys to be had. We slept in- my plans of making a big Christmas morning breakfast slipped quietly away in the still morning when I got off work before the sun had risen and crawled under my quilt, my jacket still on and zipped. I was exhausted and knew that because Kade had gone to bed late, I could steal a few hours before the long day ahead of us. My kitchen showed signs of last minute baking and a haste clean up that left flour sprinkled across surfaces and packed into crevasses. Laundry covered every inch of my bedroom floor, pushed off the bed when neglected to be put away by someone (who was that anyway?) sleepy and groggy. When Kade finally woke up, I cleared a place at the breakfast table, made him something quick and easy that was nothing like gingerbread pancakes and felt a little guilty. But you know what? Christmas morning was magical anyway. Kade is a gentle little soul- tearing the wrapping paper very carefully, one tiny strip at a time. Once a gift was opened, he wasn't interested in the next one. It took some coaxing. Yes baby, that's a very neat guitar. Now let's open this one... But no, that guitar was the bread winner. It was that toy. You know, the one you take in the car to show all your grandmas and cousins. It lay across his lap in the back seat and through all our adventures we heard the sweet melody of "roof roof rooooof," accompanied by an occasional giggle.

The best part was the giving part, of course. I loved handing gifts to my loved ones, This one is for you, and knowing that I had made an impact on their holiday. I cherished sitting at the dining room table, candles lit, listening to the hustle and bustle that is Christmas night and stuffing myself with danish food that I look forward to all year long. We visited five different places, each cheerful and warm and welcoming. And at the end of the night, far passed bedtime, we tucked Kade in and wished him one final Merry Christmas.

The Elf Shelf

And now, there is the big open space of a new year. A whole year of opportunity, twelve months of growth. We'll do our best to grab it by the horns, hold on to the moments and press the sweet opportunities of love and time against our chests.

A lot happens in a year. A year ago today, we didn't know what was wrong with Kade. He had holes in his heart, threatening his little life and making him tired and sick. A year ago today we knew nothing of heart medications, surgery risks, recovery times. I had no job, my baby was sick and things seemed like they couldn't get worse. Today, Kade is healthy. His heart is healed and so are ours. We have our own home, jobs that we love and love for one another. The last couple of years have shown us how strong we really can be and how love really does conquer all.

2012? Bring It On.

Falalalala!

Each day I find more and more opportunities for growth- more learning opportunites for Kade- but more often, learning opportunities for myself. For example, while dining at a familiar restaurant for my grandmothers birthday. There were twenty of us at the table, all ordering shrimp except Kade. I ordered him a grilled cheese and upon waiting over a half an hour, he was cranky and diving head first, mouth wide open toward anything that looked remotely like food. I approached the waitress, cautiously. She was decked in lime green and the color of her face was a hot, contrasting red. She looked a bit like Christmas gone amuck. Ma'am, I know you're very busy but my baby is hungry and impatient. Is there any way we could get his grilled cheese before the other meals are finished? She looked at me with dagger eyes and turned on her heels toward her manager, who looked equally flustered. I'll bring him some crackers. And, she did. Which I appreciate. What I didn't appreciate is that when Kade's food finally made it's way to our pushed together tables, it was long after the rest of us had finished our meals and cold. I attempted to tear it into pieces for him, but he pushed past my hands and scooped up the whole sandwich, taking big meaningful bites from the crust and pausing only to take long drinks from his tippy. When he pulled away from his cup, he was out of breath, but there he went again for the sandwich.

If I had been Kade in this situation, knowing myself well and having been in such a situation before, I would be pissed. If I were a toddler, there would be a tantrum. A kicking-punching-slamming-the-table-where-is-my-FOOD?! tantrum. Kade, however, was calm. Certainly there were moments of distress but he hugged my shoulder as I paced and kissed my cheeks with his little pursed lips, tangling his fingers up in my hair. He swooned all the ladies around him and was ready and willing to be tossed across the table from grandma to grandma to uncle to grandpa. He was patient.  I sat at the table and moaned I can't believe they served him last after I specifically asked them... And all the while, Kade had forgotten the incident complertely and was savoring every last bite of his cold, crusty grilled cheese- grinning at Aunt Judy across the table and throwing his hands up in the air in celebratory enthusasium Yay!

Now, here I sit thinking of that poor waitress. Having served us before, I have to wonder if upon seeing us she panics. Us Binghams, we're a tough crowd, and I have to give her credit for always bringing enough shrimp sauce, maneuvering around coats and bags and putting up with the wrapping paper littering the floor. I suppose a little appreciation needs to be handed her way. I hope when she gets home tonight, she can trade in her festive attire for something cozy and sleep away the aches in her muscles, which I'm sure ensued after a long night on her feet. Thank you, Waitress Lady at Utah Noodle.

Kade adores his Nana.

***

This year, we've had our first opportunity at scheduling our whole Christmas Week ourselves. Every last detail has been decided by us. When I was younger I found myself dreading Christmas morning. There is that dreadfully quiet and boring space after all the presents are opened and hours before any family feasts begin. You finish cleaning up the wrapping paper, dress in your festive attire and sit around the house. Now what? I used to impatiently ask my parents when we were leaving. When are we going to see grandma? Other grandma? Dad? Hello, isn't Christmas about family?! This year, I've got a plan to nip those dreadfully long hours in the bud. Hopefully, Kade won't share the same exasperation when he's older. I think a huge Christmas morning breakfast (I found this recipe for gingerbread pancakes with banana cream- amazing!), opening presents and a drive up the canyon to see the snow and breathe in the new year will do the trick- giant mug of candy cane cocoa in hand, singing carols all the way.

Christmas parties, shopping dates, coffee with friends; I've spent the week focusing on what Christmas is all about. I've snuggled up close with my friends and relatives, laughed the night away, and had myself a much deserved mug of Rum and Egg Nog. This is also the first year, incidentally that we've been able to buy gifts for all of our loved ones. And I've found myself watching in anticipation as they tear away the paper- that green tree paper that I spent five minutes deciding on because it had to be just right- and being more excited that I was able to give to them than I was about my own gifts. Yes, this is good stuff, Maynard.

Our dear friends are visiting from California. We've been so grateful to spend some quality time with them while they're here. We love you, Murphy family!

Emberlynn and Marleigh

I love how my apartment looks like Santas work shop around Christmas time. There are toys everywhere- even the adults can't help but play along. 

 

Two of my favorite girls! 

 

Now, I'm off to make the most of this weekend- to soak it all in like a sponge. May you do the same.

ps. This year, Kade gave me the best gift of all:
Houston, we have a walker.